Thank you

Thank you for putting me back in my place. I understand that I am usurping your space for my needs and I realize that it's a huge inconvenience for you. Thank you for reminding me that my presence adds no real value to you and to your life. I wish you could've done all this without verbally humiliating me and abusing me like you did, but I guess I needed to hear it like that so it would get through my thick head. You were right about one thing, when I can, I will leave.

Words

The last conversation we had, 3 times you mentioned..."If I could do A, would you marry me" Umm...I would marry you anyway, dumbass. And A is physically impossible. But I would like for you to try to do it. But stop with the marry crap. I know that you NEVER want to get married so you are just teasing me. It is not fair. I will make you pay for torturing me with all of this marriage talk.

sensitivity

I am seriously tired of people being over sensitive. We are doing a weight challenge at work. 6 weeks of boot camp and following a meal plan.

Last night, my coworker was talking to her husband on the phone. She gave him a list of stuff to get at the grocery store. He did not get any of it. Of course he is fit but he follows all sorts of weird meal plans. He can do whatever he wants because he bikes about 100+ miles a week.

So of course I said something about people sabotaging meal plans. It is a fact that the people closest to you are the ones that consciously or unconsciously sabotage your meal plan. He is not doing on purpose, I am sure. She got all defensive and pissy. Like I was saying her hubby is a jackass. Excuse me if he is a jackass i will tell you so. Quit being so defensive.

That makes me wonder if she doth protest too much. Maybe he is actively sabotaging her meal plan. I really don't give a fuck either way. So back off bitch and quit giving me grief because you are bitching about your effin husband. I am SO sick and tired of this bullshit. Got a job opening sent to me for Fort Bliss. I might just fuckin' go.

Tenacious D - Tribute

The best song in the world.

Tenacious D - Tribute

Name change

Going to finally get it done tomorrow. Well at least I am going to try. The damn lines are so long it might not happen but I hope so.

Ellis, now that is a much better last name then the one I have.

Plus I will get to put my first and last name both on the calculator again!!!

317718 (BILLIE) 51773 (ELLIS)

That has been amusing me since I was about 7 years old.

FTL

Cause this can't possibly be my life, f*ck that one!

Blue box

On the radio this morning they were talking about a gift that was in the "blue box". I had no idea what they were talking about. So I had to look it up, guess it is for Tiffany and Co. It does not seem to be a big deal to me since I have never gotten anything from there, but still. Maybe I just don't like overpriced stuff that much. And that is an ugly color of blue anyway.

Serenity NOW

Just saying.

Response to Blech

yes, I cannot comment so I have to do a post. Damn IT guys.

We can teach Bruno to dance and dress him up and make tourists pay money to take a picture with him.

We can make a little cane, cup and have glasses for Boone. He can beg money from kind strangers.

I'm in. :)

Blech

Brad's getting married. He's moving to San Antonio TODAY.

Great, right?

Except... now what do I do? Choose between my job and kids? He wanted to take Haley with him (can you say Oh, HELL no!?) Only, now I'm doing some serious juggling to take care of the classes I already have on the schedule and wondering how I can schedule future ones....

Obviously, there's no choice, but... why when things just seem like they might be getting easier? Nice notice. Ugh. FML.

Also, the kids are not happy about it. Actually, Carsten does seem kind of happy about it, but even stated, "Is he allowed to do that to you?" - from the mouths of babes.

Haley is all teary. I think she feels like he's deserting her. And I guess in a nine-year-old's mind he is. The fiance can't move here 'cause SHE has a residency restiction because of her kids. So he's choosing to move there. To Haley it must seem like he's choosing Janet's kids over her.

What a mess.

Good news, he breaks the 50 mile BS clause in the custody papers, it gets lifted from me as well (ssshhhh, don't tell him).

I'm moving to the beach to live in a hut where my crafty daughter can make necklaces to sell and I can rent my beastly son out for slave labor... while I drink margaritas. Anyone else coming?

Yes, Virginia.

There are baked goods and salsa in my freezer.

13 pounds down - new workouts, but thankfully not kickboxing (ribs still intact).

Only one person who reads this will know what I'm asking:

When did I finally quit last time?

The sunscreen song

This caught my attention since I recently had a friend ask me for advise on life.

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

Something wrong with me

Why do I suddenly want everything. Better house, better car, more things inside my house, trips to places I have never been, stuff for the kids.... I just don;t understand why all of the sudden I am not happy with what I have.

I have never been a grass is greener on the other side person before. I like my grass not matter how brown it was. But now I am wanting more.

Guess I will work through this, I have to. I will not have spending money until all the kids more out for sure. Until then I will have to figure out what is most important and work on saving till I can get it. Sigh....

rant

Ok, I have been saving up for a while.

1. Why don’t people listen. I told you that I want you to do one thing. I don’t care how pretty it is as long as you get it done. So why do you care that that box overlaps the other one. I DON’T CARE!!!! JUST GET IT DONE!!!
2. People suck. How can someone not see that the poor dog was really sick? And then is so stubborn that when people offered to take the dog you won’t let them have it. You only give him to someone after the media highlights the poor dogs story and you get negative attention. The dog has no skull musculature you insensitive mother fucker. Blind, emaciated, yet still striving for a little love and attention and you left her tied outside. You better hope I never actually set eyes on you. I can’t even do an internet search to read her story because if I find out who you are I am going to come to your house and beat the living hell out of you.

You suck

Dear Universe,

You suck. You're like that crazy aunt that gives you all the ingredients to make a cake instead of just giving you a baked cake.

I asked you for very specific things, which you didn't deliver. Instead you gave me ideas and guidance for how I can obtain what I asked for.

I think I understand where you're going with this, but it still sucks. Now, I have to do all the work, and I'm just too lazy.

Actually, I totally understand where you're going with this.

Anything worth obtaining, is worth fighting and working for.

On second thought, you don't suck, you just have weird methods.

Getting in line....

Since we're making requests of the universe:

I'd like to stop being neurotic. Please.

I'd like the winning lotto ticket too, but I'll settle for the first.

I'd also like a trimmer waistline (or waste line as the case may be), but I'm figuring on having to take care of that myself.

Regular sex might not be too far off the charts either, but I'm pretty sure I'll get a mold of the perfect cock someday... until then BOB XV will do.

I'm afraid I have nothing to offer in trade except the knowledge that you will have saved those around me a smidgeon of sanity.

Quote

"Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past"

-Movie "Before Sunset"

Listening to it on YouTube while at work.

Hash Cruise

I may be going on the hash cruise this year. Mah Hunnay wants to go, all I need to do, is come up with $2500 and I can swing it.

Hey Universe, I want you to consider this my official request for you to bring me $2500 in cash. I need you to hurry it up since the deadline is fast approaching.

While I'm asking you for things, how about you throw in another $7500 so I can pay off some debts, fix my car, get a new passport and some other things.

You know what, why be bashful, just make it an even $25,000 and I'll call it good. For now. Oh yeah, did I mention I need all that by July 1st?

Thanks!

Got Talent?

Well my man does. My mom gave me some pictures that needed to be retouched. He happened to pick the following picture to work on first. And guess where my mom is this week? Taking care of the women in the picture. She is my step dad's mom and is 98 years old.

Here is the comments my mom sent back to Shawn when he sent her the picture back.

I showed the picture to Greg's mom. Here is a little history, The 48 Ford in the drive was a Christmas gift, it was in the showroom window around $3000.00 new, this was an expensive car at that time.
She remembered the dress because she made it. The place is Beverly Drive in Charlotte North Carolina. It was Easter, She became pregnant two months later.
The boys were almost 5 and almost 4. She was almost 38 years old.
This made several large smiles on an old ladies face,
Thanks so much

Before

After

Response to last post

Maybe the "nonessential" body parts should be cut off. That would be a good way to really find out how nonessential they really are.

Jealous

Wish I had come up with this crap - some of the greatest excuses ever:

I thought we had agreed to disagree (about having sex with other people).

I was drunk and I don't remember it, you must have dreamt it.

AND the latest:

It was a nonessential body part.

New car

I need to get one. I am pretty sure that Kirsten is going to live with us until she graduates high school and having 6 people with a car that only seats 5 is not working. Have you priced a car? these things are expensive! sigh, at least I know what to do with the money I make at Chon Som now.

Ouch

I wonder, do old pains every really go away....

Or, do we sweep them under the rug like a giant elephant and walk around them pretending they aren't there?

Creative landscaping sucks. Eventually that elephant will trip you. Glad I've learned how to fall without breaking bones.

The Experiment

Funny how one little act can really make you question everything about ... well... everything.

And so there I was wondering, and perhaps feeling somewhat rueful and tossed away - yet again (and this time, my own fault, fool me twice...), and decided to check whether it is exactly as I think it is or if I'm perhaps a little neurotic and overwork things in my head... Of course that could be true anyway.

And it went something like this: For the entire week I didn't call anyone or do anything which might alert someone to my presence - exception, I did call one person as I deemed it necessary to wish a happy birthday, and got a text back that he didn't want to talk - and my phone and email were silent. SILENT. No one even called to wish my son a happy birthday.

And there you have it: I could completely skip the grid and no one would notice. Time to find some new 'friends'.

FML.

Neighbors

Why is it the neighbors that are most afraid are always right where you have to walk your dog. Like standing right in the walkway next to your door.


"Are you going to stand there or do I have to walk him around" that seemed to move him. People are always in the way. I so need a house. UGH

Ring

One of those days.

When you get to hear about all the fun stuff other people do. And wonder.... should I have checked my mail?

I'd settle for somewhere in the top 10.

I used to want more out of life.

So the joke is on me

I really am allergic to myself, and it has a name.

Autoimmune Chronic Urticaria

And it only took 3 months of scratching my skin off to figure it out. At lease it was more of a mild case.

Here is the funniest thing I read about this:
If you experience any of these, they may be clues that your chronic urticaria is autoimmune:
4. You are female

I only added the fourth one since that was the only funny one, but really now I think that is stretching it a bit.

I will update once I am done with a few weeks of pills and see if it comes back. Oh joy! At least I won't have to worry about PI while on this steroid.

Similarities

When I first got my dog I had to wrap her up in a towel and hold her while she freaked out. She bit, she snarled and fought until she was completed worn out and finally submitted to being pet and cuddled and, well, loved.

She's the sweetest dog in the world. She still freaks out in exactly the same manner when I cut her nails.

I can't help but think most relationships are like this at some point. The question is: is the person doing the loving strong enough to hold the other person until the fight has left them and they will allow it? Does the instinct to bite, scratch and claw ever leave when you don't speak the other person's language? Do you ever stop wanting to get away?

serious confusion

Men,

Someone please explain them to me. So last night I am talking to an ex. For the first hour or so we discuss the dating scene and how cougars keep trying to pick him up, not knowing that he is their age. Then we discuss inappropriate overtelling of personal information to strangers in bars. Then we discuss multiple normal things.

Then he says something about how attracted he is to me....WTF?

So I say, but you're not in love with me, so that does not matter.

Then he says he loves me....well we tell each other that all the time...I love all my friends.

So again I say but you are not IN love with me....he says don't be so sure.

Excuse me...if you are in love with me, why are we not in a relationship, why are we not having sex, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS NOW...AFTER I HAVE GOTTEN OVER LOVING YOU.


Someone please explain the male of our species to me please.

Mondays....

"Life is hard. It's harder when you're stupid." ~ thanks J.

And seriously?

If you would stop to THINK before you open your mouth, you could save yourself a lot of headache, even if you are behaving in an incredibly stupid manner.

What is WRONG with people???

No rent

What a bummer, guess he better get a job soon. Financial aid is not reliable.

Ummmm....??

He said my poetry sucked.

Then he told me he only said that to get me to go to dinner with him.

Ummm.... que la eff?

For serious? Is this the starving artist version of punching me at the bus stop and then running to hide behind the mailbox?

What is wrong with men?

I'll raise you the original!

Who put a goat in there?

This one's my favorite, the first time I saw this stuff... plus I seriously need to learn these dances so I can pick up guys.

I see your butter head

And raise you a Salty Shanty One Shot Tea, aka Indian Thriller

RESPONSIBILITY

Seriously. I'm so pissed. I wonder if I am doing a disservice to my children by strictly enforcing the 'be good for your word' rule.

They're going to stick out like sore thumbs in the real world.

Since when is being responsible for yourself and your actions (and parents: take note - your CHILDREN) an act of heroism?

FML.

Oh shit I'm a butter head!

F*ckwits Unite!!!

If I were in court, how far can one go being difficult with another without it being considered 'retaliation'? I mean professionally, but personally sounds much more entertaining!

Capture the life of a half-wit

Check out this website and sign up for the million little pictures project, I already did. We really need to get more Texas people in on this.

Art House

Sorry, that text wasn't meant for you

We have all done it before, sent a text/IM to the wrong person. Most of the time it is really no big deal. Just the other day I sent my co worker details on IM about a trip I want to take with Shawn, so not a really big deal.

However this morning I received a text that was not meant for me:

"Morning sex? Who's being trouble now"
Followed up by:
"Agh wrong text. Funny though that was you. Sorry"

The funny part is that I received this from my ex boyfriend. We are friends now so it will make for a funny joke next time we hang out. But really, that is not something you should send out without checking the name first.

So what is the worst that you sent to the wrong person?

What's in a name?

My Girlfriend keeps talking about a singer named "Snowball." Apparently, he's an old school tejano music singer. For the record, I hate tejano music.

Here's the kicker:

Whenever my girlfriend says the name "Snowball" in my mind's eye, I see the maneuver "snowball."

Yeah, I'm definitely a half wit.

The finest chess game going

I’ve got that achy feeling that I can only liken to being a piece of gristle: chewed, ingurgitated and, ultimately, spit out and in no way, shape or form recognizable. Maybe I could resemble President Lincoln. That would be cool.

An exercise in self-awareness and assessment. Please utilize your personal brain Sharpie to mark your answers. Total questions: 10. Total allotted time: eternity. Change your answers at will.
1. I am:
A) A bomb with a lit fuse, questionable salt exposure.
B) Pandora’s box.
C) A yet to be discovered variable.
D) E=me.
E) An enigma even unto myself.
F) Here, as promised.
G) Counting down days.

2. To other people, I am sometimes:
A) Déjà vu.
B) A memory that escapes you.
C) The first person in line.
D) A swarm of locusts.
E) The bouncy house at kids’ birthday parties.
F) Reliable.
G) Who?

3. Life can’t exist without:
A) Love, actually.
B) Sunshine.
C) Magic.
D) A coagulation of grey matter prior to expiration.
E) Logic.
F) Oxygen.
G) Fellowship.

4. I find myself stuck in:
A) A normalcy which is incompatible with those around me and most fibers of my own being.
B) Black and white memories.
C) Endless fantasies.
D) Indecision.
E) Feeling bad but looking marvelous.
F) The chasm between my wants, needs and capabilities.
G) The playground I call my brain, on the rusty slide.

5. If you looked deeply you would see:
A) A clean slate.
B) A closet full of bones
C) An architectural nightmare.
D) A completely covered canvas, subject to interpretation.
E) A zombie.
F) The riddle of the millennium.
G) Nothing.

6. My best, and worst, trait is:
A) A solid backbone.
B) Violent mood swings.
C) The original hope floats life jacket.
D) I daydream while stuffing the nightmares under my pillow.
E) I see you.
F) You can’t see me.
G) Always asking, “Why?”

7. I can’t seem to shake:
A) My past.
B) My first impressions.
C) Liars, cheats and fuckwits.
D) My addictive personality.
E) My present.
F) These fleas.
G) You.

8. I derive the most pleasure from:
A) Being needed and appreciated.
B) Contributing to other people’s lives.
C) Surrounding myself with simple, beautiful things.
D) Being accepted and loved exactly the way I am.
E) Mental foreplay.
F) Being right.
G) Being superior.

9. Life is:
A) Neither here nor there.
B) Mine for the taking.
C) Out to get me.
D) Legends and lore.
E) Happening to me while I sleep.
F) Unfolding as it should.

10. If I could have just one of these things, I would choose:
A) Flight.
B) Insight.
C) Complete empathy.
D) Peace.
E) Love.
F) Security.
G) Death, if not synonymous with any of the above.

Some days, I wonder if I’m ever going to get to stop playing the “what goes where?” game with the furniture in my head. Meanwhile, while I’m sure the couch is supposed to be exactly where it is, relocating the lamp four inches to the right isn’t completely out of the question. Put the big rocks in first, right? Someday I’ll manage to jot down all the scraps of knowledge I’ve stumbled over and somehow sorted into a reasonable configuration in my head. Until then, I guess I’ll keep rolling around like a human-sized fly paper and try desperately (and sometimes futilely) to flick away the rubbage: Jerri’s personal anti-adhesive. I’m chanting in my head, “I’m made of rubber, you’re made of glue…” Stones, glass houses… I’m just saying.

Wanna make it more fun? Try answering them for someone else.

The Scream

"Sometimes I think that if I scream loud enough in my head, you'll hear me in yours."

Permissible Sexcapades

It would seem there is some question as to what exactly constitutes fidelity in an established, exclusive relationship. And so, the FIRST of I am sure MANY rants of things that should be a ‘given’. The topic for today: what constitutes cheating?

Now, I would have thought “faithful” was a universal term, but apparently we did not all subscribe to the same Webster’s. So…. I have decided to engage in temporary contract journalism for future purposes should it be needed, please help! I don’t want to leave any gray areas or room for doubt.

Some examples:
Jerking off on a picture of Pamela Anderson? Not cheating.
Jerking off on Pamela Anderson? Cheating.

Hanging upside-down and swinging from the ceiling fan, squawking like a chicken with a turnip up your ass? Not cheating.
Hanging upside-down and swinging from the ceiling fan, squawking like a turnip with a chicken up your ass? Cheating. (Thanks B, that one was FABULOUS! Even though I have it on fairly good authority that turnips are the less vocal of the vegetable group.)

Having sex with apple pie? Not cheating.
Getting caught? Still not cheating, but awfully emabarassing.

Chime in at will!