The finest chess game going

I’ve got that achy feeling that I can only liken to being a piece of gristle: chewed, ingurgitated and, ultimately, spit out and in no way, shape or form recognizable. Maybe I could resemble President Lincoln. That would be cool.

An exercise in self-awareness and assessment. Please utilize your personal brain Sharpie to mark your answers. Total questions: 10. Total allotted time: eternity. Change your answers at will.
1. I am:
A) A bomb with a lit fuse, questionable salt exposure.
B) Pandora’s box.
C) A yet to be discovered variable.
D) E=me.
E) An enigma even unto myself.
F) Here, as promised.
G) Counting down days.

2. To other people, I am sometimes:
A) Déjà vu.
B) A memory that escapes you.
C) The first person in line.
D) A swarm of locusts.
E) The bouncy house at kids’ birthday parties.
F) Reliable.
G) Who?

3. Life can’t exist without:
A) Love, actually.
B) Sunshine.
C) Magic.
D) A coagulation of grey matter prior to expiration.
E) Logic.
F) Oxygen.
G) Fellowship.

4. I find myself stuck in:
A) A normalcy which is incompatible with those around me and most fibers of my own being.
B) Black and white memories.
C) Endless fantasies.
D) Indecision.
E) Feeling bad but looking marvelous.
F) The chasm between my wants, needs and capabilities.
G) The playground I call my brain, on the rusty slide.

5. If you looked deeply you would see:
A) A clean slate.
B) A closet full of bones
C) An architectural nightmare.
D) A completely covered canvas, subject to interpretation.
E) A zombie.
F) The riddle of the millennium.
G) Nothing.

6. My best, and worst, trait is:
A) A solid backbone.
B) Violent mood swings.
C) The original hope floats life jacket.
D) I daydream while stuffing the nightmares under my pillow.
E) I see you.
F) You can’t see me.
G) Always asking, “Why?”

7. I can’t seem to shake:
A) My past.
B) My first impressions.
C) Liars, cheats and fuckwits.
D) My addictive personality.
E) My present.
F) These fleas.
G) You.

8. I derive the most pleasure from:
A) Being needed and appreciated.
B) Contributing to other people’s lives.
C) Surrounding myself with simple, beautiful things.
D) Being accepted and loved exactly the way I am.
E) Mental foreplay.
F) Being right.
G) Being superior.

9. Life is:
A) Neither here nor there.
B) Mine for the taking.
C) Out to get me.
D) Legends and lore.
E) Happening to me while I sleep.
F) Unfolding as it should.

10. If I could have just one of these things, I would choose:
A) Flight.
B) Insight.
C) Complete empathy.
D) Peace.
E) Love.
F) Security.
G) Death, if not synonymous with any of the above.

Some days, I wonder if I’m ever going to get to stop playing the “what goes where?” game with the furniture in my head. Meanwhile, while I’m sure the couch is supposed to be exactly where it is, relocating the lamp four inches to the right isn’t completely out of the question. Put the big rocks in first, right? Someday I’ll manage to jot down all the scraps of knowledge I’ve stumbled over and somehow sorted into a reasonable configuration in my head. Until then, I guess I’ll keep rolling around like a human-sized fly paper and try desperately (and sometimes futilely) to flick away the rubbage: Jerri’s personal anti-adhesive. I’m chanting in my head, “I’m made of rubber, you’re made of glue…” Stones, glass houses… I’m just saying.

Wanna make it more fun? Try answering them for someone else.