Friday, May 29, 2009


He said my poetry sucked.

Then he told me he only said that to get me to go to dinner with him.

Ummm.... que la eff?

For serious? Is this the starving artist version of punching me at the bus stop and then running to hide behind the mailbox?

What is wrong with men?

I'll raise you the original!

Who put a goat in there?

This one's my favorite, the first time I saw this stuff... plus I seriously need to learn these dances so I can pick up guys.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I see your butter head

And raise you a Salty Shanty One Shot Tea, aka Indian Thriller

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Seriously. I'm so pissed. I wonder if I am doing a disservice to my children by strictly enforcing the 'be good for your word' rule.

They're going to stick out like sore thumbs in the real world.

Since when is being responsible for yourself and your actions (and parents: take note - your CHILDREN) an act of heroism?


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Oh shit I'm a butter head!

F*ckwits Unite!!!

If I were in court, how far can one go being difficult with another without it being considered 'retaliation'? I mean professionally, but personally sounds much more entertaining!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Capture the life of a half-wit

Check out this website and sign up for the million little pictures project, I already did. We really need to get more Texas people in on this.

Art House

Sorry, that text wasn't meant for you

We have all done it before, sent a text/IM to the wrong person. Most of the time it is really no big deal. Just the other day I sent my co worker details on IM about a trip I want to take with Shawn, so not a really big deal.

However this morning I received a text that was not meant for me:

"Morning sex? Who's being trouble now"
Followed up by:
"Agh wrong text. Funny though that was you. Sorry"

The funny part is that I received this from my ex boyfriend. We are friends now so it will make for a funny joke next time we hang out. But really, that is not something you should send out without checking the name first.

So what is the worst that you sent to the wrong person?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What's in a name?

My Girlfriend keeps talking about a singer named "Snowball." Apparently, he's an old school tejano music singer. For the record, I hate tejano music.

Here's the kicker:

Whenever my girlfriend says the name "Snowball" in my mind's eye, I see the maneuver "snowball."

Yeah, I'm definitely a half wit.

The finest chess game going

I’ve got that achy feeling that I can only liken to being a piece of gristle: chewed, ingurgitated and, ultimately, spit out and in no way, shape or form recognizable. Maybe I could resemble President Lincoln. That would be cool.

An exercise in self-awareness and assessment. Please utilize your personal brain Sharpie to mark your answers. Total questions: 10. Total allotted time: eternity. Change your answers at will.
1. I am:
A) A bomb with a lit fuse, questionable salt exposure.
B) Pandora’s box.
C) A yet to be discovered variable.
D) E=me.
E) An enigma even unto myself.
F) Here, as promised.
G) Counting down days.

2. To other people, I am sometimes:
A) Déjà vu.
B) A memory that escapes you.
C) The first person in line.
D) A swarm of locusts.
E) The bouncy house at kids’ birthday parties.
F) Reliable.
G) Who?

3. Life can’t exist without:
A) Love, actually.
B) Sunshine.
C) Magic.
D) A coagulation of grey matter prior to expiration.
E) Logic.
F) Oxygen.
G) Fellowship.

4. I find myself stuck in:
A) A normalcy which is incompatible with those around me and most fibers of my own being.
B) Black and white memories.
C) Endless fantasies.
D) Indecision.
E) Feeling bad but looking marvelous.
F) The chasm between my wants, needs and capabilities.
G) The playground I call my brain, on the rusty slide.

5. If you looked deeply you would see:
A) A clean slate.
B) A closet full of bones
C) An architectural nightmare.
D) A completely covered canvas, subject to interpretation.
E) A zombie.
F) The riddle of the millennium.
G) Nothing.

6. My best, and worst, trait is:
A) A solid backbone.
B) Violent mood swings.
C) The original hope floats life jacket.
D) I daydream while stuffing the nightmares under my pillow.
E) I see you.
F) You can’t see me.
G) Always asking, “Why?”

7. I can’t seem to shake:
A) My past.
B) My first impressions.
C) Liars, cheats and fuckwits.
D) My addictive personality.
E) My present.
F) These fleas.
G) You.

8. I derive the most pleasure from:
A) Being needed and appreciated.
B) Contributing to other people’s lives.
C) Surrounding myself with simple, beautiful things.
D) Being accepted and loved exactly the way I am.
E) Mental foreplay.
F) Being right.
G) Being superior.

9. Life is:
A) Neither here nor there.
B) Mine for the taking.
C) Out to get me.
D) Legends and lore.
E) Happening to me while I sleep.
F) Unfolding as it should.

10. If I could have just one of these things, I would choose:
A) Flight.
B) Insight.
C) Complete empathy.
D) Peace.
E) Love.
F) Security.
G) Death, if not synonymous with any of the above.

Some days, I wonder if I’m ever going to get to stop playing the “what goes where?” game with the furniture in my head. Meanwhile, while I’m sure the couch is supposed to be exactly where it is, relocating the lamp four inches to the right isn’t completely out of the question. Put the big rocks in first, right? Someday I’ll manage to jot down all the scraps of knowledge I’ve stumbled over and somehow sorted into a reasonable configuration in my head. Until then, I guess I’ll keep rolling around like a human-sized fly paper and try desperately (and sometimes futilely) to flick away the rubbage: Jerri’s personal anti-adhesive. I’m chanting in my head, “I’m made of rubber, you’re made of glue…” Stones, glass houses… I’m just saying.

Wanna make it more fun? Try answering them for someone else.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Scream

"Sometimes I think that if I scream loud enough in my head, you'll hear me in yours."

Permissible Sexcapades

It would seem there is some question as to what exactly constitutes fidelity in an established, exclusive relationship. And so, the FIRST of I am sure MANY rants of things that should be a ‘given’. The topic for today: what constitutes cheating?

Now, I would have thought “faithful” was a universal term, but apparently we did not all subscribe to the same Webster’s. So…. I have decided to engage in temporary contract journalism for future purposes should it be needed, please help! I don’t want to leave any gray areas or room for doubt.

Some examples:
Jerking off on a picture of Pamela Anderson? Not cheating.
Jerking off on Pamela Anderson? Cheating.

Hanging upside-down and swinging from the ceiling fan, squawking like a chicken with a turnip up your ass? Not cheating.
Hanging upside-down and swinging from the ceiling fan, squawking like a turnip with a chicken up your ass? Cheating. (Thanks B, that one was FABULOUS! Even though I have it on fairly good authority that turnips are the less vocal of the vegetable group.)

Having sex with apple pie? Not cheating.
Getting caught? Still not cheating, but awfully emabarassing.

Chime in at will!